How to Avoid the Sun All Summer Long

So, summer officially kicked off today, and let’s just cut to the chase, shall we? I hate the sun. Hate! (Hate, hate, hate. Hate hate, hate. Double-hate. Loooooathe entirely, like the Grinch hates Christmas.) I have nothing favorable to say about that ginormous ball of flames and its incinerating tentacles of doom that are responsible for sun spots, premature aging, melanoma, and other not-good things, like various levels of general misery. But as an inhabitant of the planet earth, I, unfortunately, have to coexist with it as I do with my upstairs neighbor who only practices her step routines after midnight. Yeah, not ideal.

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Source: Instagram

To complicate matters, I’m Sicilian and as a result tan within, like, five seconds or less. But you wouldn’t know it by looking at me, because I’ve gotten so astute at outfoxing the sun that I can do really magical things like blend in with a white wall. But it’s not magic–it’s just sun-avoidant prowess, and in the words of the great philosopher Elle Woods: “I’m like a PSA for SPF.”

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Scroll through for the contents of my Sun Avoider Starter Pack and get ready to play a three-month long game of hide and seek. Hint: it won’t find you. And yes, I’ve tried them all (except for the last one, which I’ve by no means ruled out).