How to Take Responsibility for Your Own Orgasms (in 6 Simple Steps)

Orgasming is hard work. Orgasming with another person is its own challenge. For some people, this is not a priority—not everyone is orgasm-focused or even necessarily interested in sex at all. But for those who find the orgasm important and also elusive, read on to find out how to make your sexual interactions more satisfying.

One of the biggest tricks to having an orgasm is being selfish. You need to believe you deserve the time and energy required to get you over the line, and you need to believe you deserve that pleasure just as much as your sexual partner does. The secret is simple—stop thinking about the other person’s needs and focus on your own.

You also need to be confident in taking as long as you need because you’ll never get off if you’re worrying the whole time about how long you’re taking. Watched pots never boil and all that. Instead, try thinking about how hot it is for the other person and how lucky they feel being allowed to do this to you. This brings me to my first tip.

Pretend you’re in a porno

Sometimes, imagining someone is watching you having sex can not only help you feel hot but also give you permission to receive for as long as you need.

MORE: Exactly What Happens Inside Your Body During Sex

Speaking of porn, watch some!

Accumulate a slideshow in your head of images/scenes/scenarios/words that get you over the finish line so you can mentally pull them out to help yourself along when needed. With a whole smorgasbord at your fingertips, you’re also bound to learn more about yourself as you surf—try fetish, feminist and queer sites for something a bit different.

Find out what you like

In order to get your needs met, you need to know what they are. People aren’t mind readers. Sure, the other person might teach you some new things about yourself that you didn’t yet know, but don’t be a lazy person and make them figure out everything. What makes you tick? I don’t know, and neither will any new lovers you encounter. Save them the research and figure it out for yourself.

Talk about it

Once you figure out what turns you on, you need to be able to communicate it. If you find this hard, try the old trick of positive referral. Instead of saying what you don’t like, tell them what you do. If they’re going too hard or too fast, try, “Oh, honey, I love it when you tease me” or “I’m too turned on! Give me a moment to slow my breathing down.”

Do this in a breathy voice, and trust me, it’ll be hot. If you need them to do something different, take the initiative. Change the position, change the role-play, change the body part. If they’ve got their fingers inside you but you’d rather their tongue, grab them passionately and shove their head down between your legs, growling, “I need your tongue now!” OK, I may be laughing a little myself right now. But you’d be surprised how natural that can sound in the moment.

Give them a helping hand

You know how to make yourself orgasm better than anyone else (if not, see the above tips). There’s no shame in touching yourself the way you need to be touched to get yourself over the line. Another idea is to tell them to watch you—if they’re not doing it quite right it’s a clever and hot way of showing someone how you like it, and they’ll be secretly delighted to be given the shortcuts.

MORE: WTF Is a Blended Orgasm, and How Can I Have One?

Never fake it

If you fake it, your partner will think they did all the right things, and then every time you have sex after that they’ll assume those things are what you want them to do. It’s not fair to either of you. If the orgasm doesn’t happen, you can still make them feel good, though. Say something like, “Damn that was hot” (if it was), “Hopefully, next time, I’ll be able to relax more!”

Don’t settle for second-rate. You don’t have to end up with the absolute best sex of your life, but if that’s important to you, make sure you value it properly—your sexual partner(s) will get a huge ego boost from making you orgasm, but most important of all, you will feel fan-fucking-tastic yourself.

 

Originally posted on SheKnows.