Recently, as a friend recounted a date, she mentioned that her male caller was getting a lot of pressure from his friends to hurry up and settle down. They wanted him to find a nice woman and get going on the path to marriage, babies, and a mortgage—as his friends, presumably, already were doing. Her description of this detail gave me pause. Admittedly, I have never given a moment’s thought to the subject of the pressure men receive to partner up and settle down.
As a woman living in a culture that, by and large, is still comfortable using terms like ‘bachelor’ for older, unmarried men, and ‘spinster’ for older, unmarried women, I suppose I assumed that American men have more freedom and social acceptance around when (and if) they settle down. But considering how much time my female friends and I spend over bottles of wine bemoaning the social pressure we feel, it seemed a matter worth exploring.
Determined to discover whether my friend’s anecdote was a fluke or a trend, we asked 7 men about their own experiences dealing with friends’, family’s, and the world at large’s opinions about them finding the mythical one.
When Career Comes First
I should start by saying that my experience related to pressure to “settle down” or “partner up” is associated with two things: marriage (from girlfriends) and (less relevant, potentially) general sexual potency (from elderly women and middle-aged men).
I think the marriage pressure is pretty straightforward to explain and maybe a lot of people experience it – I’m not sure. Personally, I’ve felt explicit pressure from girlfriends to get married even though I openly acknowledge that such plans are not on my horizon – say, 5 years – and that I’m not the right person to be dating if they need a firm commitment for marriage within that time-frame. This isn’t to say that I’m against or scared of commitment – rather, that I have career and personal goals that are a higher priority at this/that stage in my life. The trouble is that even though these conversations happen and it might seem as if a mutual understanding has been reached, the issues seem to resurface repeatedly – at which point it’s simply destructive to the relationship. I think these conversations are really important to have as a relationship evolves and if both people aren’t aligned, then either: 1) a transparent discussion about when the “right” time needs to take place, 2) someone needs to sacrifice/compromise their point of view, or 3) the relationship should end. But, yeah. Also interesting is that I’ve felt the most marriage pressure when things outside of the relationship weren’t going well. Like my girlfriend at the time was having a shifty experience with work or with family and marriage was kind of like a silver bullet to making something in life “right”.
As for general sexual potency – this one might be more obscure. For example, if I meet an acquaintance that’s an old lady – say, an old family friend, they will basically be like “so you’re a lady killer, right?” or “the girls must love you”! Yeah, it’s weird and yeah, it’s uncomfortable. It’s basically like they are inferring that you SHOULD be with the ladies, but it also has a weird sexual connotation. Same thing with middle-aged men – although they may straight up say “FUCK those ladies good” to you. Again, it’s not partnering up or anything, but it’s pressure to be “in the game”, so to speak. — Mike, 30
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I’ve experienced pressure to settle from both social and familial circles. From social circles it has been more implicit and a result of my peers and friends partnering up and the change in lifestyle that comes with that (less going out, less “singles” activities and more “partner” activities like double dates and small dinner parties.From family, it has been more explicit but communicated through playful jokes (ex: ‘hey man when are you going to get married haha’). Rarely have I received a hard explicit pressure to partner up.
The pressure (implicit or explicit) seems to have increased as I’ve gotten older and language has moved from “partnering up” to “marriage” from both social and familial circles now that I’ve partnered up. — Steve, 31
TK
I’ve never felt pressured to settle down, but I’m only 22, so perhaps that’s on its way. Personally, I’ve experienced a lot more pressure just to talk about romantic partners in general. Because I tend to share different things about myself with the various social circles I’m a part of, people probably think I’m either a prude or unconfident if I don’t tell them about who I might be seeing. In a way, this is its own kind of pressure—not to settle down with someone, but to at least start being vocal about it like everyone else. — Bailey, 22
TK
In terms of pressure, the biological clock thing isn’t a factor but I think there is a perception that a married / settled down man = a mature man and one that is taken more seriously in a professional setting. Is that strange? It’s almost like an item in your career advancing checklist. I feel that more on the East Coast than I did living in San Francisco the last couple of years.
From a personal standpoint I think I feel the pressure more thanks to social media. People coupling off, getting married and more and more of them having kids! When did my Facebook become a baby feed? And of course, I also receive pressure from my mom, which I think is more of a cultural thing. She wants me to find a “nice girl.” Hey so do I! — Vlad, 30
TK
As a young gay man in NYC, I have felt no pressure from my friends or colleagues to settle down with a partner. I’m sure there’s a difference between straight and gay men, as gay men have virtually no timeline with regards to having children, and many gay men don’t want children anyway. I think much of the pressure on men to settle down is rooted in the idea that they need to create a family, which most people don’t want to do the older they get. Furthermore, I have found that many gay men are very comfortable remaining single well into their 40’s and 50’s, which means there is little to no generational pressure. If you consider the fact that men have trouble settling down, it’s easy to look at male same-sex couples and realize that when trying to create a longterm relationship between two men can be very difficult. In my experience, this is why many men I know are not in relationships, and feel no pressure to jump into one, or settle down. The most pressure I’ve received is from my parents, but even then, they only ask out of concern for my well-being. And they rarely ask anyway, as they know I’ll tell them if I’m in a serious relationship.
I think the most pressure I receive to partner up is from myself, but that primarily stems from a desire to have a bigger apartment, and someone (hopefully) taller to help change lightbulbs. — Will, 27
TK
This the topic of that resonates with me A LOT. Yeah, I feel pressure to settle down all the time! No one person or thing is pressuring me directly–it’s more that I’ve been conditioned to think/feel, by both my upbringing and what I’m exposed to on social media (couples and babies–so many goddamn couples and babies) that partnering up, getting married, and having a family is the “appropriate” thing for someone my age to do. And it’s not like I don’t want those things, because I really really do. But something I also need to realize is that there’s nothing wrong with me for not having them, either. The trick is to tune all this shit out and focus on being the best version of myself and then (hopefully), by putting out the right energy, I’ll attract someone who wants the same commitment as I do. — Scott, 34, Manhattan, NY
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