Ever decided to have a night in for one and found yourself in the mood for a little solo action, switching from a Netflix binge to an X-rated video sesh? When you’re browsing to find a film that matches your kink, you might have stopped and wondered how adult film actresses become so good at their jobs. While it might be tough to spot what’s real and what’s faked, porn stars have mastered the art of getting it on and have had enough sex to know where some women might struggle.
While there’s no right or wrong when it comes to your sexuality, there are some tweaks you can make that’ll help you — and your partner — get more out of your sex life. In other words, these “mistakes” are really just opportunities to unleash your inner vixen who’s not only worthy of post-coital applause, but deserves to experience even more pleasure.
Here, porn stars share common things women do that could be stopping them from having even better sex.
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You don’t seek feedback
During your annual review at work, your employer likely gives you actionable feedback that you can work through and use to make adjustments to your efficiency and effectiveness. Adult film star Joanna Angel suggests applying the same idea to your performance during sex. While communicating is important, what’s also essential, according to Angel, is paying attention to your partner and how he or she responds to what you do.
“Some people aren’t even experienced enough to know exactly what they want, so feel around, look them in the eyes, see what makes them smile and moan louder,” says Angel. What makes him hard or her wet? What vibrators does she love or cock rings can he not resist? How can you be more attentive?
You never take control
All couples develop different rhythms for sex depending on your lifestyle and preferences. But there’s one big ask that nearly everyone has, says adult film star Julia Ann: mutual initiation. Letting your partner take the reigns might be second nature for you personally, but shifting that mindset could make your partner feel more desired — and sexier.
“Some women have been raised to believe — consciously or subconsciously — that their partners should initiate sex and they should follow along,” says Julia Ann. “I’ve fallen into that pattern too. Of course I think my partner is sexy and I want them to know that they’re wanted, so I have to take a proactive approach to change the way I’ve been wired. I can see the difference in our relationship when I take the dominant position, grab them and tell them that I want them.”
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You don’t prioritize foreplay
For some people (especially women) foreplay and the buildup of sexual anticipation is key to ultimately reaching orgasm. But for others (many men, for instance) foreplay is simply a means to an end. “For me, foreplay helps me feel sexual so that my body will engage, but my partner’s idea of foreplay is getting my vagina wet so we can have intercourse,” says Julia Ann.
To make foreplay more passionate and longer lasting, Julia Ann says to get into the habit of talking dirty and explaining how, why, when and where you’re turned on by your partner’s finger, tongue, whatever. This will make the experience hotter and more engaging for your partner, meaning he or she might not rush as quickly to the finish line. The idea is that you have to explain and show what will make you feel the sexiest and most turned on.
You don’t take your time
Though sex might be the ideal finale for you and your partner, Julia Ann says that not taking time to be truly intimate, feel every touch and linger on each other’s body is a mistake that too many couples make.
She suggests going back to those early stages of dating when you hadn’t yet settled into your go-to positions for quickies. “Those moments were exhilarating and all your senses were alive,” she says. “Those feelings can and should be an ongoing part of your sex life. Ask yourself what made those moments so much fun. Maybe it was the talking and flirting, or perhaps it was the time you parked and kissed and rubbed each other with all your clothes on for what seemed like hours?” No matter how you fill the time, it’s key to carve out plenty of time so you don’t feel rushed.
You worry about being awkward
Unrealistic porn standards aside, sex is messy, unpredictable and sometimes just plain weird. But while you might worry about how your body looks, how you’re moving and what your partner is thinking, Julia Ann says focusing on insecurities takes away from the experience. And the truth is, if you don’t like something, you shouldn’t be afraid to speak up and make a move — literally.
“The biggest mistake I make in bed is not letting my lover know when I don’t like something at the time. I’m so worried about frustrating them that I ‘grin and bear’ things I shouldn’t,” says Julia Ann. “Sadly, my fears put us both in a bad position and to make it worse, my partner doesn’t even know about it. Take charge of your needs, which includes telling him or her what’s working or not working — even if it feels uncomfortable.
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You don’t make eye contact
Think about the last time you were on top of your partner during sex. Did you kiss them deeply and connect your bodies together in a meaningful way? Adult film actress Tasha Reign says that being in the moment and making an effort to show your dedication to your lover will make your relationship and your sex life stronger.
“We’re all in our heads too much,” says Reign. “It’s important to let go and really be present. Intimacy is not achieved through simple penetration but through really connecting with your significant other on a personal level. Make eye contact. Hear and feel them. Be present.”
You don’t ask for oral sex
One of women’s biggest mistakes according to Reign is not pushing to get what you really need out of an orgasm, especially if it means oral sex. “Too many women make the mistake of not demanding head,” she says. “That’s right, getting eaten out feels amazing! Let’s ask for it more. Guide [your partner] into the direction that they should go and help them bring you to orgasm — so worth it,” she says.
Even if cunnilingus isn’t what brings you home every time, it’s an awesome way to get to know what works for your body and what doesn’t. Plus, it’ll bring you closer to your partner. So don’t shy away from receiving attention down there — like the rest of these little changes, it can take your pleasure and connection to the next level.
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