We can pick our partners, but we can’t pick our partner’s family… which means we get the good and the not so good when it comes to dealing with them. Managing how their parents get involved in your relationship can be difficult especially if your partner is the ultimate mama’s boy or daddy’s girl. They may stop by your place at unwanted times, call to check in every night, or stick their nose in your business way too much. If it feels like they’re wreaking havoc on your relationship it’s time to set some boundaries. Here’s how to properly draw the line between them and you.
Know your boundaries, first
Once you take the time to understand what works and does not work for you, you’ll be in a far better position to be flexible, yet strong, explains psychologist, Dr. Carla Manly, who specializes in relationships. “The “I” messages technique can be very powerful in setting boundaries. For example, if family members are exerting pressure for a person to get married and have children, a helpful, positive response might be “I feel stressed when you bring up wanting me/us to get married and have children. I promise I’ll be the first to break the news, though!”
Decide what’s not OK to share with them
This is something you and your partner have to settle on and this may be more of an issue with your partner as opposed to his family. Meaning, you may need to help him/her learn to keep things between the two of you. Their family doesn’t need to know everything. You can have some secrets and in fact should. Things like, your salaries, your debts, or decision to freeze your eggs, are your business, not there’s.
Set boundaries without insulting their family
When setting boundaries, make the conversation less about what your partner’s family is doing or not doing and more about what you need in those situations. “Do not attack or make blanket statements,” says relationship coach, Lesli Doares. “Make it about what will support your relationship. Talk about what you enjoy about their family, if there are any annoyances or concerns with them, etc. Be willing to share about your family and be open to their views/perceptions, as well.” For example, “I love spending time with your family at Christmas time, but I would love for us to have some alone time to celebrate too”. Then suggest only spending one night of holiday cheer all together.
Make sure your boundaries are clear, yet flexible
Some people use “boundaries” as an excuse to disguise highly inflexible or stubborn attitudes (i.e., having the mindset that “It has to be my way all the time!”), says Manly. “This type of attitude is destructive to relationships (family and otherwise) over time.” Not to mention it could make you sound like these issue are all about you and not you and your partner.
Make sure you’re willing to follow through on them
Don’t even budge an inch because giving in a little may show you’re not 100% committed to that boundary and keep your in-laws pressing to get their way, explains life coach, Karen Anderson. “In other words, make sure it’s something you are willing to follow through on.” For example, say you agree—just this once—to go to church together even though you don’t practice, your partner’s family may continue to pressure you knowing they can convince you to go.
Have a plan if boundaries get crossed
Setting a healthy boundary is a two-part proposition, says Anderson. “Number one- making a request of someone else to not infringe on your physical/emotional space and number 2- to know what you will do if the other person does not want to comply (which you can communicate or not).” An example would be if you’d prefer not to talk about politics but your partner’s family wants to talk about politics at a family event, go for a walk or join another conversation.
Meet in the middle
It’s okay to set boundaries as to how and when you spend time with them, access to your home, access and behavior with your children and privacy around your relationship…but this doesn’t mean writing off their parents all together, explains Doares. If you “meet in the middle”, meaning instead of driving an hour to their house for dinner, you meet at a restaurant 20 minutes away, or you write his/her parents a weekly email to catch them up on your life instead of having them call every night, these little things give you more control over the situation, and can help to keep their behavior in check.
You may need to let your partner take the lead…
It’s there family after all. “The two of you need to talk about what boundaries you want to set but they have to take the lead. Overcoming your partner’s reluctance or difficulty setting boundaries is critical for success,” adds Doares. “If they aren’t on board, it won’t happen. Having them talk to their family conveys this as his/her position and not something being driven solely by you.”
Keep your distance
A recent study of married people found that more than half of them blame their in-laws for relationship problems and around one in five would divorce their partner’s parents if they could! These are extreme circumstances. But if you’ve tried setting boundaries with no luck and you start feeling like you’re partner’s family has your relationship teetering on the edge, you may need to physically move further away from them.
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